Life Lessons: How To Keep Issues From Becoming Conflicts

The other day I was the recipient of correction that could have been done better. It’s been almost a week, but I’m still finding myself wishing it had been handled differently. This event has my mind also thinking about other issues  that became conflicts because of how they were handled. They still make me cringe long after they’ve been resolved. Even though we’re the church, we’re not immune to hurting each other by using words or actions carelessly.

There are times when I’ve been angry or have something to correct and I’ve dealt with it poorly. A minor issue becomes big conflict unnecessarily. That’s something we all unfortunately have in common; we struggle to deal effectively with people we serve alongside. It’s damaging, possibly embarrassing, and harm is the result – hurt feelings, loss of trust, damaged relationships, the list goes on. My hope is to deal effectively with issues so they don’t become full-blown conflicts.

As I write this blog, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to minimize conflict by taking some simple steps to deal effectively with issues. Like most people, I genuinely hate conflict, even though I’ve learned to deal with it very effectively. Learning some diplomatic tactics and thinking ahead has made a huge difference.

How Issues Escalate Into Conflicts and Hampers Your Effectiveness

Conflicts can be ugly, ferocious and many times unnecessary. They can be the result of  minor infractions or incidents handled poorly. Often it’s the result of pride getting in the way. Sometimes conflict is the result of an opportunistic heart; a chance to finally get back at somebody who got on your case in the past.  Whatever the reason, issues dealt with effectively can keep conflict from happening.

The volunteer who resorts to dealing with every issue as if it’s a conflict becomes ineffective as a voice for change. The more a person goes on the attack instead of dealing diplomatically with issues, the less people are affected by their concern. Once a volunteer develops a reputation for being confrontational they are  often seen as nuisances and either become ignored or invited to serve in another ministry.

When a volunteer has an issue, the goal should be to get heard and inspire action (hopefully in the form of a mutually agreed compromise). Issues don’t usually reach the conflict stage when handled with thoughtful care. That’s the point of this blog post.

Dealing Delicately and Effectively with Issues

I’ve had plenty of issues as a volunteer in my youth ministry over the past ten years. Some useful approaches I’ve taken include:

Approach in private: There was an incident at our summer camp this year when an intern had wrestled a student to the ground in anger and was giving him a lesson in obedience. This was the second time I had witnessed such an event this year between him and a student. I approached the situation, put my hand on his shoulder and another leader told him to stop what he was doing. Later I approached him when nobody else was around and told him my concerns about his behavioral modification routine. He was very receptive and humble.

The following day he thanked me for my approach and said he would do better. That story would have a different ending if I had loudly confronted him in front of the crowd. I would have been “right”, but my approach would have been wrong, our relationship would be damaged, his ego would be scarred and the opportunity would have been lost.

Communicate to reach a goal: The most effective I’ve ever been when bringing up an issue is to have the solution in mind before I deal with it. What do I want to happen as a result of my conversation? If the answer is “To give him a piece of my mind”, I let it go because there’s no solution involved. When I address an issue without a solution, I risk acting out of selfishness and reducing my effectiveness.

Healthy goals of communication could include: making an improvement to future programs, helping the ministry be more considerate of volunteers (sometimes they genuinely don’t realize they’re being inconsiderate), improving their style of communication with you or others, or understanding the reasoning behind their decisions you struggle with.

Step away for a season: As a volunteer, I realize that I am not the decision maker of my ministry. There are areas I do make decisions about, but most of the decisions are not up to me. For about a year I was at odds with my ministry about some of their choices regarding events. I respectfully made my concerns known and it didn’t result in change.

Because I didn’t want to be a source of conflict, I quietly opted out of volunteering for those events for about a year. During that time I did not stop volunteering all together. I just stepped away from the areas I didn’t agree with. My feelings weren’t hurt and they had other leaders step into my place. No bridges were burned and my relationship with the ministry remained good. When the leadership changed and I could see them moving in a direction I could support, I began volunteering in those areas again.

Support and serve: There have been times when I didn’t agree with minor decisions that were being made. However, they weren’t decisions that were worth taking a stand on. I could serve in good conscience without inner conflict. In those situations, I served without making comments about my disagreements except privately and respectfully to the decision makers.

Some things I wish I could go back and do differently in response to past disagreements with our youth ministry staff are:

Confront in person: Email and the phone are horrible tools for confronting people. It’s way too easy to let your emotions get the best of us and say or write what we will later regret. We also rob ourselves and our audience of the benefit of body language which is a vital part of effective communication.

Writing out concerns is a healthy way to think through feelings. Once they’re on paper, waiting 24 hours then re-reading our thoughts can give us time to rethink our true feelings, help us rationally decide whether the issue is worthy of confrontation, and to prepare our approach.

If confrontation is scary for you, it’s okay to take the letter in person to the person you need to confront and have them read it in front of you and then discuss. It’s always ideal to confront in person, though.

Include encouragement: Healthy confrontation includes an element of encouragement. With few exceptions, people are involved with the ministry to make a positive impact. There are redeeming qualities to every ministry leader even when their actions leave us unsure at times. Before discussing an issue, I now think through how I can start and close with an encouraging word about the person I need to speak to.

Thinking through how I will encourage this person as we work together on an issue helps me put my complaint into perspective. Maybe I’m more worked up than I should be. It also increases my ability to affect change. If I bring up a problem without any encouragement or solutions, the person’s defensive shield tends to go up. This makes resolving the issue much more difficult which can give birth to conflict. The Bible calls this approach speaking the truth in love.

Here’s To Health: Although relationships can get messy, they are the best part of ministry because we were made to live in community. However, there can be a lot of pain involved when feelings get hurt or passions collide. My hope and fervent prayer is that this blog post is helpful and encouraging to other youth ministry volunteers. I hope it brings perspective and creativity to you as you deal with issues while striving to serve God by serving students in a healthy and thriving ministry.

Ministry Lessons: Consistency is King

I rarely miss teaching my small group or being present for our weekend services. If I’m consistent, it helps me hold my students accountable to also be consistent. It also shows my dedication. Being self-employed, I rely on appointments for my income. I’ll typically lose a good amount of money each year for the sake of being consistent to my responsibilities. Of course I don’t tell my students this, I only share that information in this post to illustrate the priority ministry commitments need to have in our lives.

Commitment requires sacrifice. As a coach of other leaders, I’ve seen the effects of inconsistent leadership. It’s worth the lost income to get the ministry and relational results. I have actually recommended that inconsistent leaders not be allowed to return as small group leaders the following year. Inconsistency is not a good example and it’s not fair to the students. They deserve consistent caring adults they can count on.

Find a Ministry Partner

There have been rare times that missing small group is unavoidable. Because of this, I’ve connected with another leader who also has had to be out of town occasionally on a small group night. Every time he is gone, I combine his group with mine. When I’m gone, he takes my students. This way our students are not passed around. They always know they’ll have one of us there to lead them. This has helped keep the perception of consistency in their lives even when one of us is absent.

Ministry Lessons: Behavior – Deal With It

Many things can enhance or kill your ministry effectiveness. Behavior is a biggie. When I served as youth pastor in small churches, this was a bigger deal than it has been as a volunteer in a large youth ministry. That was one of the biggest surprises when I transitioned to this church. We have hundreds of students in our ministry at each of our 4 services. However, behavioral problems are minimal.

What I’ve found by personal experience and observing others is a trend in how volunteers deal with behavioral issues. I’ve described four of them below. There’s much more to consider, but these are some stereotypes to lay a foundation for this post.

Stereotypical reactions to bad behavior:

New youth worker + being young = tends to over react, yell, punish, feels disrespected, get angry
Result: encourages bad behavior/doesn’t get respect of students

New youth worker + older = more relaxed genuine authoritative approach, calm, rational
Result: well received, focuses on correcting behavior more than punishing

Seasoned youth worker + being young = doesn’t exist (remember – these are stereotypes – no offense)

Seasoned youth worker + being older = sees the ministry opportunity in correcting the behavior, knows how to discern what is “bad” behavior and what is “age-appropriate” behavior

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This blog post is directed to volunteers who struggle with dealing with “bad” behavior. It will focus on helping you gain perspective about behavior and how to respond to it. I want to help fellow volunteers advance to the seasoned youth worker status. I’ve learned a lot over 14 years that I hope will help you get seasoned sooner.

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Understand Age-Appropriate (or predictable) Behavior

Dealing with behavior starts inside our heads. We need to take a step back and think about the progress a student makes throughout the teenage years. A new Junior High student, for instance, will not have the capacity to sit still and have an in-depth conversation about the nature of the Trinity. While a senior in high school will not tend to fart and destroy the fragile hold on their attention you’ve struggled to maintain for more than 1 minute at a time.

As you can see from the headline above, I struggled between using “age-appropriate” and “predictable”. I don’t want to dismiss behavior as acceptable simply because of the maturity level of the “offender”. However, reasonable adults will be driven to an advanced level of insanity and postal tendencies if they expect 7th graders to have a serious conversation or seniors to open up about their deepest insecurities in the first week of small group.

A quick word about “unacceptable” behavior: I challenge you to consider the culprit before lowering the hammer. Is this a non-Christian student or a long-time Christian who should know better? Is this a long-time attender who should be further along in their behavioral patterns? Just because a student has been in the church since birth does not mean she is a Christian. My reason for making the distinction is that many people (like Marilyn Manson for an extreme example) have felt unwelcome at church and have turned their backs on Christ. Our response needs to be in love (Eph. 4:15).

We don’t have to accept the behavior, but dealing with it needs to be in love. A quick example: students talking during our weekend service is a problem. Instead of threatening or embarrassing them, I simply say, “It’s okay to talk. Just please go outside to do it.” In 10 years of volunteering in the youth ministry at my church, I’ve had very few students get up and leave. I’ve had to talk to the same students repeatedly, but I’m always polite and they’re always apologetic.

We need to be careful not to punish, but to direct their behavior. Punishment typically indicates a reaction out of anger. Directing their behavior, however, is an attempt to put them on the right path. A caring leader who invests in a student for a long-term outcome, rather than punishes a student for a short-term gratification of anger, can make a life-long difference in the life of a student.

Every other untrained adult may take the punishment angle. Directing behavior, however, is a better choice; it’s an act of acceptance of the person while showing that somebody cares about their behavior. Students love being held accountable in love. Boundaries give comfort to students; even if they rail about how unfair they are… it’s just in their script… they’re wired to respond that way.

Getting back to age-appropriate/predictable behavior – Whichever age group you’re working with, understanding what comes natural to them will help you understand your appropriate response. It’s so much easier to take their natural tendencies and work within their capacities than to expect them to conform to what we are used to experiencing among our adult friends. This is the beginning of regaining your sanity and making progress with even the most unruly students.

Here’s how I work with their behavior (maturity) level: I have a rule in the small group I teach that goes, “Nothing productive happens in the first 20 minutes. We must mess around that whole time.” They love it.  We do “hate calls” to people who didn’t show up that week (these are really love calls in disguise – it’s much funnier to call it a hate call). We share Chem/Flem (Chem – something good that happened in your day, Flem – something you wish hadn’t happened that day). Last year we had a neon American flag in our room. Somehow it became tradition to turn the lights out, turn the flag on and loudly sing the National Anthem at the beginning of our small group time each week. Fortunately, we don’t have the flag this year. The funny thing is that the National Anthem and Chem/Flem were originally distractions that I let them go with and they became welcome parts of our culture in that first 20 minutes. We don’t always do Chem/Flem. If a student brings it up, we do it. The anthem, however, was a weekly ritual. Yikes!

What they don’t know is that those 20 minutes of messing around is actually relational ministry at its best. Everybody in the group connects with each other on a deeper level and many great memories are made. It also gives them time to get distractions out all at once. All of this prepares the way for good Bible study to happen for the remaining 40 minutes. Giving them the freedom to do what they want in that first part helps me earn the right (in their eyes) to their attention and participation in the remaining part. If you’re leading a Freshman guys group, you can count on about 5 – 15 minutes of quality Bible study no matter what you do to earn their attention – sorry. Stay with them until they’re seniors and you’ll be greatly rewarded for your efforts.

Start With How You Can Relate

Think of your life at their age. How did you struggle? What were your insecurities? What about your students, what do you see in them that you can relate to in these ways? What interests and experiences do you share with them (sports, video games, music, birth order, divorced parents, scar stories, fears, etc)? Finding a point of commonality between you and them is the starting point of building a relationship. When students can relate to you, you transition from being perceived as a disciplinarian to revealing yourself as a caring leader who relates to them and is genuinely interested in making an investment in their lives.

Consider What You Can Learn

Even though you may not be interested in their world, there is a lot you can learn from them about their culture, their skills, interactions with others, their interests, etc. Start a profile on Facebook.com and friend them (you may have to ask them what that means). Go to Twitter.com and sign up for a free account. Have your students do the same. You can friend each other there and let each other know what’s going on from day-to-day. Did something funny happen? Twitter it. You’ll learn a lot about your students by getting into their culture. It would be great if you’re not familiar with computers and you let them show you how to do these things.

One word of caution in regard to Twitter: you may not want to do this unless your students have unlimited text messaging. There is an option to not have the messages come to their phone. They can send and receive them online. It’s not as fun and probably won’t be as effective becaus it’s not convenient and you might as well just use Facebook.

One word of encouragement: if you open a Facebook page and get them to friend you, don’t abandon it. Check it at least once a day. You’ll be able to keep up with all of your students. They’ll also give you cues about important events or emotions they’ve experienced. This can be a great ministry tool for you to know how they need you. You’ll also be reminded about their birthdays which will be super helpful.

The Last Word

Hopefully by the time you’ve reached this paragraph you’re starting to rethink your approach to behavior. Maybe their behavior is not the issue, maybe your expectations need some adjustment. Maybe they’re actions reveal an unspoken cry for help. Maybe reaching out to them at their point of need or maturity level will cause them to give you more of what you need to effectively teach them. That’s what I’m saying.

What I AM NOT saying is that their behavior is your fault. I’ve just learned in the last 14 years of youth ministry that adjusting my approach yields great results. Students who wouldn’t give me the time of day now seek me out. That’s fertile ground for ministry to happen.

Ministry Lessons: Reproducing Yourself

In my conversations with students, I frequently use phrases like, “When you’re a high school volunteer…”. I always plant the ideas in their head that they will be youth ministry volunteers one day. I want them to see it as a natural progression for them to go from student to servants of students.

The hope is that when I’m not able to do youth ministry anymore, I will have inspired hundreds of people to carry the youth ministry torch. I want to inspire others to dedicate their lives to helping students discover Christ, serve him wholeheartedly, grow deeper in their faith, and worship him fervently while helping others do the same. In my eyes, there’s no higher calling. I see it as the most important thing I do with my life… even though I’m “Just” a volunteer.

The other night I received a trophy in the form of a Facebook message from one of my students. He has taken the challenge of ministering to others. With his permission, I’ve posted an image of the message below. I’ve reproduced my passion for ministry to students in the heart of Kyle who is, in turn, doing the same for a college Freshman. So great and rewarding to see God making a difference through our availability.

What it looks like to reproduce yourself in students

Lesson Helpers: Tips For Teaching Curriculum

As a volunteer Sunday School teacher or small group leader you probably don’t have much of a say in which curriculum to teach. Over several years of teaching students, I’ve had fantastic and horrible experiences teaching what others have written.

There are several factors that determine whether or not curriculum will mesh with a ministry. I won’t go into them. Let’s just agree, based on experiences we’ve all had, that some curriculum is a better fit for our needs than others. It’s funny that some slick fancy looking lessons are horrible when some black and white photocopied lessons can change lives.

My approach to curriculum: Because each ministry is unique, curriculum needs to be adjusted to fit my specific setting. When reading a lesson, I always ask myself, “What’s the bottom line that they’re going for?” That’s what’s important for the students to learn. I may choose to use different methods to get them to learn the lesson. The important thing is not that I jump through every hoop of the prepackaged lesson. The only unchangeable part of the lesson is the biblical truth. I may even choose to add verses or use completely different verses if they point to the biblical goal of the lesson.

Getting students to interact with the lesson: Many times a lesson will have activities that are outside of my comfort level or that I know my students will scoff at. Rather than doing something I feel is goofy or fighting to get my students to do something, I will find an alternative way to help them to get the point.

There are few times I use the phrase “without fail”. I use it sparingly because it applies in so few situations. However, WITHOUT FAIL, the most effective lessons I teach involve sharing personal experiences that the students can relate to. This is followed by getting them to talk about how they also have that same issue, frustration, temptation, question, etc. Once we’re on the same page, they’re open to hearing what God’s word has to say about the issue.

Earlier I mentioned finding the bottom line of the lesson and building on it. The bottom line of this blog post is to use curriculum as a guide, not as an unchangeable, structured, lifeless manual for your group.

Customizing the lesson will require more of your time. However, it will also free you up to be relational and focus on the specific issues in your group that relate to the theme of the lesson.

Sometimes, if your lucky, you’ll even venture off the theme to deal with unrelated, but very important issues. You’ll just want to be careful that your time is not consumed by unimportant diversions. It will take your discernment to know when a diversion is a good thing.

Ministry Lessons: The Power of Encouraging Words

Encouraging words are powerful. They can build others up, restore, begin or build relationships, and give confidence among many other things.

The problem is that often times we assume people know how we feel through our actions. We show how much we care by investing our time, buying a gift or remembering a name. None of those are bad. However, encouraging words need to be used every time we are with students. Nothing can substitute for encouraging words.

I have pat phrases I use that I use with all of my students. Many of them have started using them, too. They’ve become part of the culture of our Bible study. They’re a little cheesy when used as much as we use them. However, they’re a constant source of encouragement and challenge.

Here are some that we’ve used:

• You’re a good guy – when texting, often we’ll type YAGG at the end. Sometimes they’ll send a text to me with just YAGG in it. It’s awesome and encouraging.
• Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – When students are heading somewhere or tell me about an event they’re going to, I’ll often say this as a light-hearted way to remind them to live the Christian life. They know I genuinely care about the decisions they make. Students feel cared for when they are given boundaries (even if they act otherwise). This often shows up as DDAIWD in a text message.
• I love this guy – This speaks for itself. When my guys show up to our Bible study, the tradition is we greet each other with a hug. While that’s happening, I always say, “I love this guy”.
• You’re my favorite small group student named (insert name of student here) – As silly as this is, and it’s not REALLY a compliment, it always reminds them that I care for them by name.

This blog post was inspired by a text message I got today from a college student I recently met. He was never one of my students, but we’ve become friends through one of my former students. I’ve used some encouraging words with him as we’ve started to get to know each other. Today we had lunch together. Afterward he sent this text message to me (see the picture below). It illustrates perfectly why I ALWAYS use encouraging words.

(This isn’t to say that we don’t have fun at each other’s expense. We just are sure to be more encouraging than anything else.)

The power of encouraging words

Ministry Lessons: The Importance of Positive Touch

As an adult working with people half my age, it can be easy to allow the age difference to create a relational gap. I determined a long time ago to blow that out of the water. If I know a student, I rarely settle for a handshake. I always bring them in for the hug. They need the positive contact, it helps build the relationship, and it communicates I care which opens the door for them to come to me when they need to talk.

What I’ve found is that everybody at some level craves positive touch. For those who are not quite there yet, I don’t push it one them, but I know the day will come when they’ll let me in. When the male students show up to Bible study, it’s so awesome to stand back and watch them come in. As soon as they come in the front door, I watch their eyes scan the room looking for me. They make a bee-line straight for me to give me a big hug and tell me about their week. It’s incredibly rewarding that we’ve added this to our culture at our Bible study.

Bonus points: Since we have a caring culture in our Bible study, it’s easy to carry that on to new people. They see the hug happening with the guys who brought them. The second or third time they come when the hug comes their way, it’s not a surprise or strange. It’s just what we do.

Extra bonus points: The best way to grow our ministry is word of mouth. When students have an environment of caring that isn’t separated by the generation gap, they tend to talk about it with their friends. We’ve created an environment they want to invite their friends to.

Clarification: I specifically mentioned giving guys hugs. I intentionally am a little reserved with the girls. I will give them the side hug if they come in for one. If they run up and give me a hug, I don’t stop them. However, I believe keeping positive touch limited to your gender as much as possible is wise.

Disclaimer: Of course, it’s not all about the positive touch, there’s got to be some substance taking them deeper spiritually and challenging them. If it’s all fluff and Kum-Ba-Yah, the positive touch won’t be enough of a culutre on its own. The culture of positive touch only opens the door for a deeper connection which we use to help them grow spiritually and deal with issues.

Ministry Lessons: Busting Through The Awkwardness

Preface: If you’re an extrovert, you may want to skip this… unless you are surrounded by introvert youth volunteers who need help connecting with students.

Unless you’re a flaming extrovert, you probably have noticed that painful awkwardness when trying to connect with new students. I’ve listed 5 techniques that have made that initial conversation a springboard for great relational youth ministry.

1. New students of the same gender

Guys are my target when greeting students. I try to let the female leaders meet the female students. I always focus on the guys.

I don’t ask for his name, school or grade right away. I know that will come through the natural course of the conversation.

I do look for signs of easy connections I can make.

• Do I know students he’s with? I can talk to them and ask them (in front of him) to introduce me – that builds instant rapport by using them as my “Trojan Horse” to get passed any walls he may normally have up when talking to a dorky adult at church
• Is he wearing clues to his identity (athletic jersey, high school team sweatshirt, class ring, etc.) – Students love to talk about themselves (actually this is true of all age groups). If they’re wearing anything that indicates their interests or involvement, that’s my Trojan Horse
• Does his demeanor give him away – is he sad, apparently lonely, excited, feeling awkward (wall flower), angry – use that to get inside – I use that as the conversation starter

2. New students of the opposite gender

I don’t have long conversations with them unless others are in on it.

I do talk long enough to get some basic rapport going. I use that information to introduce her to a female volunteer who would be a good match to what I learned about her.

3. New students who are brought by their parents

I don’t assume the student wants to be there.

I don’t overload them with every program and calendar activity we have to offer. I give all of that to the parents (or introduce them to somebody who will and I’ll take the student a different direction. Some students won’t open up until their parents are gone – especially if they’re forced to be there. If you “rescue” them from their “embarrassing” parents (sorry parents), they’ll instantly be appreciative (many times)).

I do find out his story. I’ll ask him what brought him there and how he feels about it. I love when the student came as a result of a move because I can briefly share my story about moving as a teenager and how it felt. That’s a story of pain we can share that’s incredibly useful in building a connection.

I ALWAYS apply #5 below to students who are accompanied by their parents.

4. Non-responsive students

I’m never offended by their non-responsiveness or apparent mood (anger, depression, disinterest – more of an action than a mood)

I do greet them every time they show up and try to strike up a conversation by using the steps in #5 below. I know that eventually they’ll warm up to a consistent, non-judgmental adult who is always friendly

5. All students (even the ones I know)

Like I mentioned above, I don’t ask a person’s name, school or grade right away. Those are the questions they expect to get asked. You probably won’t remember the answers until you really get to know the student, anyway. Through the course of getting to know the student, you’ll learn that information.

I do ask insider questions. Insider questions are like Trojan Horses (as I mentioned above). They help you get passed the walls students normally put up until they feel comfortable with you. These are questions that get to the heart of a person’s feelings and responses to life.

A poor example of this type of question is, “Do you have any pets?” It’s random and if he says, “No,” the conversation just hit a roadblock.

However, one of my favorite insider question is, “You must love your dog. What kind do you have?” On the surface, that’s not an insider question. However, the fact that this stranger’s dark-colored shirt is covered with light-colored animal hair makes it an insider question because I used information readily available to move into something I know he must care deeply about.

The idea behind the insider question is that the student responds with a story instead of a one-word answer. The result of insider questions is a meaningful conversation that pulls students in, creates a memorable experience and paves the way for deeper ministry to happen.