Helping Cooler Heads Prevail

Most people know that the first night of camp is not the ideal time to pull pranks. It’s predictable so there’s little element of surprise or effect. Sean either didn’t know this or was just anxious to get the ball rolling. Whatever the case, that week of camp got off to what could have been a disastrous start. Sean was one of my more adventurous, lucky-to-have-a-high-grace-capacity leader, and yet very-fun-to-be-around cabin guys. His prank weapon of choice this year was an air horn.

After evening chapel when everybody was back in their cabins, the camp staff was quieting campers down by loudly barking commands though heavy-duty megaphones which would be the envy of any S.W.A.T. team trying to end a hostage-involved, bloody bank heist. Listening from inside the cabin, gave me the feeling of being in an episode of Hogan’s Heroes. I imagined inept guards crisscrossing a barbed-wire-enclosed camp ready with spotlights, dogs and military rifles to take out any camper daring to venture out for one last trip to the latrine before bed.

With the megaphone mantra demanding quiet now itself quieted, calm blanked the camp like a magical sound-absorbing fog. Camp was now in a peaceful state of certain hibernation for the night. I rejoiced at the return of silence. Shouts of the staff were now reduced to the quiet retreat of camp staff footsteps heading into the night for a long and much-needed rest. Yawn. Life is good again. Good night all.

At this point, Sean, who I love dearly and slept in the bunk above me, blasted his wake-the-dead grade air horn out the open window into the perfectly quiet camp. An instant coup of laughing and shouting overthrew the kingdom of silence which had a brief reign over the land. The camp was resurrected into a flurry of excitement and It was funny, loud and life-giving to an otherwise tired end of a great day. I was dutifully ticked – more than anything because it was my job to be.

In truth, I thought it was pretty funny because of how amazingly loud the blast of noise reverberated through the hills of an otherwise tranquil camp ground. I, however, had to keep a straight face as I scolded Sean for sending the camp into an uproar as we were supposed to be settled down for the night.

Unfortunately for Sean, there was a lingering member of camp staff lurking outside our cabin when his horn blasted. Quicker than a senior pastor racing to a buffet table, said camp staffer exploded through the door like a Tomahawk missile paying a visit to an Al Qaeda hideout and began screaming in Sean’s face like a drill sergeant whose private failed to make it over a wall three times in a row. He was ready to rip Sean from his bunk, throw him outside and introduce him to the camp’s version of boot camp for those who misbehave.

As a side note: during the 3 or 4 years we took our students to this camp, I always felt they were more concerned about the students keeping the rules than they were about genuine life-change. While I’m positive this isn’t true, they didn’t do a good job of giving a we-care-about-you-as-a-person impression.

As disruptive as this prank was, I wasn’t going to let a member of the camp’s staff ruin Sean’s week over this indiscretion. However, I wasn’t going to disrespect the camp staffer in front of the students. The option I chose turned out to be a great lesson in how to cool down a situation in a way that allowed everybody’s egos to stay in tact, but still deal effectively with the offense.

I said to Camp Staffer Steve, “Before you take him out and do whatever you’re going to do, tell us a little about yourself. I don’t want my students to think you’re only here to beat them over their heads with the rules. I know working at this camp is a ministry of yours. Tell us about that. Where do you come from? What brought you here? How is this a ministry for you?”

Notice I didn’t say he couldn’t take Sean, but I knew if I gave him time to cool down, he wouldn’t do anything to him. (It was an educated guess – I wasn’t positive about this)

Steve’s whole demeanor changed. He told us he was a college student serving for his third summer at the camp. He passionately explained his heart for ministry. My guys asked him questions and we had a great 20-minute conversation. What was a diversionary tactic on my part turned into a great connection between him and my campers.

At the end of the conversation, Steve looked at Sean and said, “Listen, I’m not going to take you outside. Just understand that we’re trying to keep the camp quiet so everybody will have a good night’s rest. Our days are packed with activities. If campers don’t get rest, they can’t enjoy all we have for them during the day. Please help us out by being quiet when we ask. I’m going to take your air horn. You might get it back at the end of the week.”

Crisis averted. Sean had a great week. He learned his lesson (sort of). Steve came back to our cabin a few times that week to hang out with the guys. Everybody won.

After Steve left, I made sure Sean knew I had just saved his life from certain humiliation and possible death. He was very appreciative.

Here are some take-aways I got from that interaction:

1. Change the focus when things get heated so tempers can have time to cool. I know this isn’t always possible, but I like to put some space between the explosion and resolution if I can. When I get an angry phone message from a parent of one of my students, for instance, I wait a couple of hours for them to cool down before getting back to them. When I do make contact, I do it in person if possible. They are much less likely to have an angry meltdown in person than over the phone.

2. Help the players remember the mission. Conflict arises when we take our eyes off the greater goal. In this case it was a week of camp to move students into a closer relationship with Christ, not to beat them into submission for stepping out of line

3. Use the experience of conflict resolution to draw those involved closer together. We invited Steve to come back to our cabin throughout the week for fun and to share more of his story. We actually were laughing together about the air horn incident by the 3rd night.

Shedding Light on Dishonesty

It happened again this week. A former student told me something to make me believe something that wasn’t entirely true. He wanted me to believe the information the way I heard it. However, he left out some details so I wouldn’t know what really happened. The crazy thing is there was no reason for him to lie… which is what he did by leading me to believe something that wasn’t true by the way he presented the information.

All of this happened by text message this week. Tonight when I brought it to his attention by text message, there was no response. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I’d rather him think about being found out for a while instead of him trying to worm his way out of being caught.

The point of sharing this is to encourage other youth workers to share the one line every youth worker needs to use in this specific situation. When students try to wiggle their way out by saying they didn’t lie, you just didn’t ask the right questions… yada, yada, this one question will fillet them open exposing their lie in a way they can’t deny.

And the question is… drum roll please… “What did you want me to believe when you said (quote back what they said) to me?”

Therein lies the lie.

Students lack integrity because they’re in a no-fault, value-trampling society. A great part of being a youth worker is instilling those values into them. It’s not an easy task because the world has them for most of their lives. We only have them for an hour or two each week.

Things That Don’t Matter

This morning’s sermon opened with a list of things that don’t matter. The sermon was taken from verses in Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless. The point of the message was to point out what does have meaning.

Tonight I’m reflecting on what I heard this morning. It occurred to me there are many things in my life that illustrate how much things don’t matter over the long-run. I’m posting a few on my blog. Bringing these up as I teach are a great way to give students perspective about what does and doesn’t matter in life:

– Class rings… although students may be currently wearing them during as I teach, not many people in their mid-twenties are still wearing them. In high school, however, designing the ring, making sure my parents coughed up the cash for the one I wanted, then waiting for the ring to come in after ordering it was a big deal to me.

– Fraternity life… the members of a fraternity are called brothers. However, they go their own ways after college and most lose track of each other for years at a time. There’s not much brotherhood to be found with them after graduation. Getting into the fraternity was very important to me. When I look back on college days, I would have been just as happy without it.

– Getting a driver license and car on my 16th birthday… I didn’t get either until I was almost 18. Now that I’m 38, it doesn’t really matter to me when I got it

– The D I got on a paper in college… many people cheated on the ridiculous assignment because it was a very unfair expectation from the professor. However, had I cheated and taken a better grade, it would have haunted me to this day. The D, however, is of little consequence to my life 15 years after I got it.

Curriculum Review: Dangerous Devotions for Guys

Group Publishing recently came out with this devotional book for guys written by Tim Shoemaker. It’s called Dangerous Devotions for Guys. I was asked to review this book for my blog. Anything for a free book, right?

This is a great resource because:
– It takes an imaginative approach to illustrating the point of each lesson
– Guys are actively engaged in each lesson rather than sitting and listening
– Students will interact with God’s word in ways I’ve not seen in any other curriculum

This is a bad resource because:
– Some of the lesson activities will be repeated and could cause catastrophe (ie: the lesson that shows them how to build a flame thrower)
– It could cause more conflicts with parents and church staff than it’s worth because of the experiments

Here’s my recommendation:
– Buy this book for your guy small group leaders
– Read through and approve which lessons your ministry will allow
– Make it very clear to your small group leaders that they are not allowed to do the lessons that you disapprove (or rip those lessons out of the book)

Bottom line:
I love this book. The concept is like Boy Scouts, science and the Bible are all wrapped into each lesson. The messages are great. Just use it with great caution.

Interview Questions for Student Ministries Position

This morning I’m doing a phone interview with a church. They are considering hiring me as their youth pastor. While I’m not sure what they’ll be asking me, I came up with some questions for them. I’m posting them here because I know summer is a time when many youth workers will find themselves interviewing for positions. Maybe these will be helpful.

1. What is your model of ministry?
2. What is your church known for in the community?
3. Describe the culture of
— Your church
— Your staff
4. Is your church governed by a pastoral management team or church board?
5. Who does the youth pastor report to?
6. What is the scope of this ministry? (Jr High, High School, College…)
7. What is the potential draw of this ministry? (population of local schools served by the church)
8. What will that interaction look like?
9. What is the youth ministry doing great?
10. What is the weak point in the youth ministry?
11. Describe the youth ministry staff
— Paid
— Volunteer
— Interns
12. What is the reputation of the person being replaced?
13. What good/bad obstacles will the new youth pastor have to overcome as a result of the change?
14. Are there any denominational obligations from outside the church which are part of this position? (Camp, speaking, committees, etc.)

I Yelled at a Student Last Night

Yelling at students is a rare event for me now that I’ve been in youth ministry for several years. I find that the more seasoned I get, the less I find a need to yell. I honestly don’t remember the last time I did that.

Since last night I’ve been replaying the event in my head wondering if I should have handled it differently. It was a very brief encounter, but it has taken hours of my time to unpack. I want to make sure I’m doing what’s best to guide students in the way they should go without crushing their spirits or pushing them away from the church.

This was a safety issue. I asked students to stop sliding down the steep concrete skate ramp at the church because it would be easy to hit their heads on the way down. As soon as I turned my back, this student slid down the ramp. That’s when I yelled.

In this situation, there are a few issues in play:
– The safety of students
– Disobedience
– Disrespect

I think I could have possibly not yelled. However, I also think some situations need to be resolved in a way that affirms authority in a memorable way in the minds of students. The church has a reputation of being too rigid in this area, but sometimes has a practice of being too lax.

What would you do in this situation?

Christian Encounter Ranch

About 2 or 3 times a year parents ask me where they can send their troubled teenage children for a life intervention. I have a “been there done that” person I typically refer them to. Yesterday, however, I was talking to a parent who had great success sending her daughter to Christian Encounter Ranch. She said her daughter went from rebellious and without direction for life to now wanting to go into ministry full time. Her daughter graduated from the camp this year.

When I talk with a parents who have been through this with their children, I always ask if I can refer other parents to them who are dealing with out-of-control children. Not being a parent myself, it’s great to have go-to people like this who can coach and encourage other parents through getting help they need. This parent is now on my list of people who I refer struggling parents to.

I do not know anything about the ranch other than the glowing review from this parent who sent her daughter. Here is information from Christian Encounter Ranch’s website:

Christian Encounter Ranch

At the beautiful Christian Encounter Ranch, we have a residential discipleship/counseling ministry for troubled young people (male and female) ages 16-25. These young people come voluntarily. They have backgrounds which include all kinds of abuse, drugs, family problems, etc. Residents typically stay at the ranch between three months and two years receiving discipleship, professional Christian counseling, schooling if necessary, fellowship, love, and plenty of one-on-one attention. They adhere to a disciplined schedule and are expected to work hard.

Great Sources of Cheap/Free Prizes

For the past 5 years I’ve been giving away prizes at our end-of-the-school-year party for our small group ministry. What I found out is students don’t really care what the prize is. The excitement of having prizes is actually the prize itself. I could give away a roll of toilet paper and I think they would be just as excited as if I handed out a $10 gift certificate to Starbucks.

There are 3 sources of prizes I’ve been using:
1. Our high school ministry office at the church – Every year on the day of the party, I swing by the office to take what they have laying around that they don’t want anymore. Yesterday, I got a pile of books from one of the interns.
2. The party supply store – They always have a rack of under $1 pranks (i.e. false teeth, whoopie cushions, fake cola, etc.) I spent about $15 and lots of prizes
3. My CD collection – I have loads of music CD’s that I NEVER listen to. For the past 3 years I’ve given away about 20 CD’s. In effect I’ve turned useless clutter into prizes. Win-win

Since I’ve been giving away prizes, I’m probably out a total of $60. However, I’ve given away hundreds of dollars worth of stuff that people didn’t want.

Also, years ago I bought a roll of raffle-type tickets for the drawings. I think I spent about $20 for the tickets and they have lasted me 5 years. I still have another 5 years to go before I’ll be out of them. It was definitely worth buying the roll for getting to use them at events like that.

Prayer for my Sister

My sister, Rhonda, is starting treatments today for pancreatic cancer. She’ll have chemo and radiation for 6 weeks in hopes of reducing the tumor small enough to be removed. My family and I would appreciate your prayers for her.

This is a picture of Rhonda and my mom. I’m sure you could guess, but Rhonda is the one with the spoon hanging out of her mouth. If she ever finds out I used that picture, she probably wouldn’t be very happy with me.

Thanks for your prayers!

Notarizing Documents for Adoptions

Friends of mine are adopting a child from Africa. They needed several forms notarized so they called me. Most of the notary work I do is in the mortgage industry. However, notarizing documents for an adoption is so life-affirming and contributive to an important cause compared to my typical work. I hope to get more notary opportunities like that.

If you live in Southern California, please contact me for your notary needs.