Ministry Lessons: Behavior – Deal With It

Many things can enhance or kill your ministry effectiveness. Behavior is a biggie. When I served as youth pastor in small churches, this was a bigger deal than it has been as a volunteer in a large youth ministry. That was one of the biggest surprises when I transitioned to this church. We have hundreds of students in our ministry at each of our 4 services. However, behavioral problems are minimal.

What I’ve found by personal experience and observing others is a trend in how volunteers deal with behavioral issues. I’ve described four of them below. There’s much more to consider, but these are some stereotypes to lay a foundation for this post.

Stereotypical reactions to bad behavior:

New youth worker + being young = tends to over react, yell, punish, feels disrespected, get angry
Result: encourages bad behavior/doesn’t get respect of students

New youth worker + older = more relaxed genuine authoritative approach, calm, rational
Result: well received, focuses on correcting behavior more than punishing

Seasoned youth worker + being young = doesn’t exist (remember – these are stereotypes – no offense)

Seasoned youth worker + being older = sees the ministry opportunity in correcting the behavior, knows how to discern what is “bad” behavior and what is “age-appropriate” behavior

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This blog post is directed to volunteers who struggle with dealing with “bad” behavior. It will focus on helping you gain perspective about behavior and how to respond to it. I want to help fellow volunteers advance to the seasoned youth worker status. I’ve learned a lot over 14 years that I hope will help you get seasoned sooner.

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Understand Age-Appropriate (or predictable) Behavior

Dealing with behavior starts inside our heads. We need to take a step back and think about the progress a student makes throughout the teenage years. A new Junior High student, for instance, will not have the capacity to sit still and have an in-depth conversation about the nature of the Trinity. While a senior in high school will not tend to fart and destroy the fragile hold on their attention you’ve struggled to maintain for more than 1 minute at a time.

As you can see from the headline above, I struggled between using “age-appropriate” and “predictable”. I don’t want to dismiss behavior as acceptable simply because of the maturity level of the “offender”. However, reasonable adults will be driven to an advanced level of insanity and postal tendencies if they expect 7th graders to have a serious conversation or seniors to open up about their deepest insecurities in the first week of small group.

A quick word about “unacceptable” behavior: I challenge you to consider the culprit before lowering the hammer. Is this a non-Christian student or a long-time Christian who should know better? Is this a long-time attender who should be further along in their behavioral patterns? Just because a student has been in the church since birth does not mean she is a Christian. My reason for making the distinction is that many people (like Marilyn Manson for an extreme example) have felt unwelcome at church and have turned their backs on Christ. Our response needs to be in love (Eph. 4:15).

We don’t have to accept the behavior, but dealing with it needs to be in love. A quick example: students talking during our weekend service is a problem. Instead of threatening or embarrassing them, I simply say, “It’s okay to talk. Just please go outside to do it.” In 10 years of volunteering in the youth ministry at my church, I’ve had very few students get up and leave. I’ve had to talk to the same students repeatedly, but I’m always polite and they’re always apologetic.

We need to be careful not to punish, but to direct their behavior. Punishment typically indicates a reaction out of anger. Directing their behavior, however, is an attempt to put them on the right path. A caring leader who invests in a student for a long-term outcome, rather than punishes a student for a short-term gratification of anger, can make a life-long difference in the life of a student.

Every other untrained adult may take the punishment angle. Directing behavior, however, is a better choice; it’s an act of acceptance of the person while showing that somebody cares about their behavior. Students love being held accountable in love. Boundaries give comfort to students; even if they rail about how unfair they are… it’s just in their script… they’re wired to respond that way.

Getting back to age-appropriate/predictable behavior – Whichever age group you’re working with, understanding what comes natural to them will help you understand your appropriate response. It’s so much easier to take their natural tendencies and work within their capacities than to expect them to conform to what we are used to experiencing among our adult friends. This is the beginning of regaining your sanity and making progress with even the most unruly students.

Here’s how I work with their behavior (maturity) level: I have a rule in the small group I teach that goes, “Nothing productive happens in the first 20 minutes. We must mess around that whole time.” They love it.  We do “hate calls” to people who didn’t show up that week (these are really love calls in disguise – it’s much funnier to call it a hate call). We share Chem/Flem (Chem – something good that happened in your day, Flem – something you wish hadn’t happened that day). Last year we had a neon American flag in our room. Somehow it became tradition to turn the lights out, turn the flag on and loudly sing the National Anthem at the beginning of our small group time each week. Fortunately, we don’t have the flag this year. The funny thing is that the National Anthem and Chem/Flem were originally distractions that I let them go with and they became welcome parts of our culture in that first 20 minutes. We don’t always do Chem/Flem. If a student brings it up, we do it. The anthem, however, was a weekly ritual. Yikes!

What they don’t know is that those 20 minutes of messing around is actually relational ministry at its best. Everybody in the group connects with each other on a deeper level and many great memories are made. It also gives them time to get distractions out all at once. All of this prepares the way for good Bible study to happen for the remaining 40 minutes. Giving them the freedom to do what they want in that first part helps me earn the right (in their eyes) to their attention and participation in the remaining part. If you’re leading a Freshman guys group, you can count on about 5 – 15 minutes of quality Bible study no matter what you do to earn their attention – sorry. Stay with them until they’re seniors and you’ll be greatly rewarded for your efforts.

Start With How You Can Relate

Think of your life at their age. How did you struggle? What were your insecurities? What about your students, what do you see in them that you can relate to in these ways? What interests and experiences do you share with them (sports, video games, music, birth order, divorced parents, scar stories, fears, etc)? Finding a point of commonality between you and them is the starting point of building a relationship. When students can relate to you, you transition from being perceived as a disciplinarian to revealing yourself as a caring leader who relates to them and is genuinely interested in making an investment in their lives.

Consider What You Can Learn

Even though you may not be interested in their world, there is a lot you can learn from them about their culture, their skills, interactions with others, their interests, etc. Start a profile on Facebook.com and friend them (you may have to ask them what that means). Go to Twitter.com and sign up for a free account. Have your students do the same. You can friend each other there and let each other know what’s going on from day-to-day. Did something funny happen? Twitter it. You’ll learn a lot about your students by getting into their culture. It would be great if you’re not familiar with computers and you let them show you how to do these things.

One word of caution in regard to Twitter: you may not want to do this unless your students have unlimited text messaging. There is an option to not have the messages come to their phone. They can send and receive them online. It’s not as fun and probably won’t be as effective becaus it’s not convenient and you might as well just use Facebook.

One word of encouragement: if you open a Facebook page and get them to friend you, don’t abandon it. Check it at least once a day. You’ll be able to keep up with all of your students. They’ll also give you cues about important events or emotions they’ve experienced. This can be a great ministry tool for you to know how they need you. You’ll also be reminded about their birthdays which will be super helpful.

The Last Word

Hopefully by the time you’ve reached this paragraph you’re starting to rethink your approach to behavior. Maybe their behavior is not the issue, maybe your expectations need some adjustment. Maybe they’re actions reveal an unspoken cry for help. Maybe reaching out to them at their point of need or maturity level will cause them to give you more of what you need to effectively teach them. That’s what I’m saying.

What I AM NOT saying is that their behavior is your fault. I’ve just learned in the last 14 years of youth ministry that adjusting my approach yields great results. Students who wouldn’t give me the time of day now seek me out. That’s fertile ground for ministry to happen.