Life Lessons: How To Keep Issues From Becoming Conflicts

The other day I was the recipient of correction that could have been done better. It’s been almost a week, but I’m still finding myself wishing it had been handled differently. This event has my mind also thinking about other issues  that became conflicts because of how they were handled. They still make me cringe long after they’ve been resolved. Even though we’re the church, we’re not immune to hurting each other by using words or actions carelessly.

There are times when I’ve been angry or have something to correct and I’ve dealt with it poorly. A minor issue becomes big conflict unnecessarily. That’s something we all unfortunately have in common; we struggle to deal effectively with people we serve alongside. It’s damaging, possibly embarrassing, and harm is the result – hurt feelings, loss of trust, damaged relationships, the list goes on. My hope is to deal effectively with issues so they don’t become full-blown conflicts.

As I write this blog, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to minimize conflict by taking some simple steps to deal effectively with issues. Like most people, I genuinely hate conflict, even though I’ve learned to deal with it very effectively. Learning some diplomatic tactics and thinking ahead has made a huge difference.

How Issues Escalate Into Conflicts and Hampers Your Effectiveness

Conflicts can be ugly, ferocious and many times unnecessary. They can be the result of  minor infractions or incidents handled poorly. Often it’s the result of pride getting in the way. Sometimes conflict is the result of an opportunistic heart; a chance to finally get back at somebody who got on your case in the past.  Whatever the reason, issues dealt with effectively can keep conflict from happening.

The volunteer who resorts to dealing with every issue as if it’s a conflict becomes ineffective as a voice for change. The more a person goes on the attack instead of dealing diplomatically with issues, the less people are affected by their concern. Once a volunteer develops a reputation for being confrontational they are  often seen as nuisances and either become ignored or invited to serve in another ministry.

When a volunteer has an issue, the goal should be to get heard and inspire action (hopefully in the form of a mutually agreed compromise). Issues don’t usually reach the conflict stage when handled with thoughtful care. That’s the point of this blog post.

Dealing Delicately and Effectively with Issues

I’ve had plenty of issues as a volunteer in my youth ministry over the past ten years. Some useful approaches I’ve taken include:

Approach in private: There was an incident at our summer camp this year when an intern had wrestled a student to the ground in anger and was giving him a lesson in obedience. This was the second time I had witnessed such an event this year between him and a student. I approached the situation, put my hand on his shoulder and another leader told him to stop what he was doing. Later I approached him when nobody else was around and told him my concerns about his behavioral modification routine. He was very receptive and humble.

The following day he thanked me for my approach and said he would do better. That story would have a different ending if I had loudly confronted him in front of the crowd. I would have been “right”, but my approach would have been wrong, our relationship would be damaged, his ego would be scarred and the opportunity would have been lost.

Communicate to reach a goal: The most effective I’ve ever been when bringing up an issue is to have the solution in mind before I deal with it. What do I want to happen as a result of my conversation? If the answer is “To give him a piece of my mind”, I let it go because there’s no solution involved. When I address an issue without a solution, I risk acting out of selfishness and reducing my effectiveness.

Healthy goals of communication could include: making an improvement to future programs, helping the ministry be more considerate of volunteers (sometimes they genuinely don’t realize they’re being inconsiderate), improving their style of communication with you or others, or understanding the reasoning behind their decisions you struggle with.

Step away for a season: As a volunteer, I realize that I am not the decision maker of my ministry. There are areas I do make decisions about, but most of the decisions are not up to me. For about a year I was at odds with my ministry about some of their choices regarding events. I respectfully made my concerns known and it didn’t result in change.

Because I didn’t want to be a source of conflict, I quietly opted out of volunteering for those events for about a year. During that time I did not stop volunteering all together. I just stepped away from the areas I didn’t agree with. My feelings weren’t hurt and they had other leaders step into my place. No bridges were burned and my relationship with the ministry remained good. When the leadership changed and I could see them moving in a direction I could support, I began volunteering in those areas again.

Support and serve: There have been times when I didn’t agree with minor decisions that were being made. However, they weren’t decisions that were worth taking a stand on. I could serve in good conscience without inner conflict. In those situations, I served without making comments about my disagreements except privately and respectfully to the decision makers.

Some things I wish I could go back and do differently in response to past disagreements with our youth ministry staff are:

Confront in person: Email and the phone are horrible tools for confronting people. It’s way too easy to let your emotions get the best of us and say or write what we will later regret. We also rob ourselves and our audience of the benefit of body language which is a vital part of effective communication.

Writing out concerns is a healthy way to think through feelings. Once they’re on paper, waiting 24 hours then re-reading our thoughts can give us time to rethink our true feelings, help us rationally decide whether the issue is worthy of confrontation, and to prepare our approach.

If confrontation is scary for you, it’s okay to take the letter in person to the person you need to confront and have them read it in front of you and then discuss. It’s always ideal to confront in person, though.

Include encouragement: Healthy confrontation includes an element of encouragement. With few exceptions, people are involved with the ministry to make a positive impact. There are redeeming qualities to every ministry leader even when their actions leave us unsure at times. Before discussing an issue, I now think through how I can start and close with an encouraging word about the person I need to speak to.

Thinking through how I will encourage this person as we work together on an issue helps me put my complaint into perspective. Maybe I’m more worked up than I should be. It also increases my ability to affect change. If I bring up a problem without any encouragement or solutions, the person’s defensive shield tends to go up. This makes resolving the issue much more difficult which can give birth to conflict. The Bible calls this approach speaking the truth in love.

Here’s To Health: Although relationships can get messy, they are the best part of ministry because we were made to live in community. However, there can be a lot of pain involved when feelings get hurt or passions collide. My hope and fervent prayer is that this blog post is helpful and encouraging to other youth ministry volunteers. I hope it brings perspective and creativity to you as you deal with issues while striving to serve God by serving students in a healthy and thriving ministry.